Oh my god, where have I been. Have I really been gone almost 6 months?? Wow, not cool.
So here's the short notes of what happened the rest of the summer, I met a guy, he fell in love with me, I thought maybe it was mutual and let things get farther than I should have. Didn't ever sleep with him or touch or whatever, but emotionally let it get too close, you know? Anyways, thank God for my amazzzzzing partner who did not leave me for all of this, though it was definitely the closest we have come in a long, long time. Our three year is coming up and I need to do something Special for him. Like, really special. No idea what though.
Anyways, the in the fall my weight hovered around the same five pounds forever, not that I can honestly say I was working as hard as I should have been to lose.
But I am back. I have been low cal for days now and starting to see it come off. I am hoping to see it come down to 160 by the end of January. I want 150 by march, That when my hipbones start to show (I have HUGELY wide hipbones) and I love my hipbones. 140 would get me into ribs, also totally exciting. I am going back to essentially vegan (exceptions only for skim in coffee!) other than weekends I am home. My big problem with vegan/vegetarianism is that if I ever went to someone's house for a meal and they made something for us for that meal and I was like 'oh sorry, I won't eat that', that feels really rude to me. So ungrateful. Like, someone went to the effort of making that for you, and you could eat it, your just too good for it. Wow. I understand if your ordering in or at a restaurant or anything else, totally different cause you can choose differently. I also get allergies, intolerances, celiac what have you --totally different.
Thats my rant anyways. Today is fasting day, yay me :)
Talk to you soon lovelies
Charlie

Wherever have I been

I've been so gone, for so long...
sorry lovelies
I'm in an out of ED headspace. Today I'm deffinitely in it. I went to the candy store to buy sugar free candy to eat, but I can't even get into that. Calories terrify me. How did it happen that I am so fearless, and so strong, except for food? I don't understand this at all. Somebody fucking save me. Weight is pretty much where it was, and I need it so so so gone. Fasting today, I hope fasting tomorrow, but a friend is up, which makes for a challenge. Bought a ton of coke zero, it's almost gone, need some more soon, I love love love it.
Haven't purged in a long time now, maybe I've quit that habit. Wouldn't that be nice.

And then I told

So the  weirdest thing has happened to me. I met this guy who seems really cool, and we've been hanging out quite a bit recently. It's great to have someone to hang out with up here who is just as stuck here in a sense as I am. We get along super well, and have been having fun looking at all the totally beautiful scenery of this little town. 
Then out of the blue I ended up inviting him over for dinner, which was surprisingly not a disaster. I know right, me having someone for dinner?! I took me like a year to feel comfortable eating dinner with my boyfriend, and still sometimes I can't do it. Anyways. So we ended up hanging out at my place until like 1:30 in the morning, and he crashed in the spare and whatever, great fun evening. BUT. We were talking about smoking, how he is trying to quit and I'm a social smoker, and whatever, when totally out of the blue I told him about being bulimic. I know I'm probably being EDNOS, but no one outside of the ED and medical community knows what that is.  WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME. I have never told anyone, even my boyfriend of two years only has a vague idea. And I've known this person for like a week and there it is?! I have no idea how that happened. In some ways I wish I could take it back, but in some ways it's actually alright to have someone who can't turn around and tell all the people at home about it who knows and I can vent to. So maybe it's a good thing, but I doubt it. I'm relatively sure this is going to come back and bite me in the ass at some point, but it's too late to change that now I guess. 
Anyways, I'm in a fasting thing right now it seems, I'm working on close to 40 hours, and this wasn't even intentional, it just seems to have happened that way. I just don't feel like food, and all of a sudden it's been almost two days. 
In other news, I am down three more pounds yay! Next goal is only two pounds away now.
Ciao
Charlie

Sorry for the break lovlies

Hey all,
First off, sorry about the weeks delay. I have been moving and starting my new job, which has been quite the change.  
I love my new job, and this town is so gorgeous.

 I borrowed this photo from here :)

So far, work has been great. I made $40 in my first shift in tips, and it was super short and slow! Then yesterday I did a full breakfast/lunch shift and made $80 in tips! I'm working the dinner shift tonight, from 2 until 9ish, so hoping to make $100. Maybe. That would be really awesome! 
Anyways, I'm still hovering around 165.5lbs. But wildly, I'm not loosing my mind over it. I'd still like to see 135ish again, but I'm starting not to hate myself. I'm hoping this summer is going to be really good for that kind of thing. 

Until next time

I suck at technology - Rats!

Hello all
So first things first, back down to 164 today- yay! I'm hoping to be back all the way down to 163 by the weekend. 

Second, I have no idea why the 'Body Dramaticisms' post has a white background to it, it looks like absolute crap, and I haven't got the first clue how to get rid of it, as all the settings for it are the same as all my other posts and none of them are like that. DA fuq?!
On another note, I was messing around with it trying to fix it and I managed to delete my second ever comment from Sylvie S, because I am dumb. 

So I have re-posted it here!

"seeing the scale move up always stinks, but at least you know it's just water retention and it'll drop off again in a week. also--you have a hairless rat? I didn't even know that hairless rats existed! I bet she's adorable. Rats and mice always have the cutest little ears and eyes. (off to youtube to search for hairless rats nibbling adorably on bits of food!)" - Sylvie S

Responding to this comment (I am going to try and do this for as long as I can,  but eventually if I get a lot of comments I may have to stop):
Yes! I have a hairless rat! She is 7 months old, female dumbo hairless, named Snickers. They are called dumbo because of the giant ears -so cute! She is super curious, loves dried fruit, and is a crazy climber. I have never seen a rat be such a social little climber. Many rats love to hide and burrow in stuff, she is all about climbing stuff. I have no experience with hairless before this one, and I had read that because of the intensive breeding of domestics involved in getting hairless rats (A bit about hairless rats...), they have developed a more social personality. So far I have found this to be true, but since I have known 4 furred rats but only 1 hairless, it could just be her. I think after Snickers, I will continue with the hairless variety, just because of the great experience I've had with her. If you want to see a cute video of a hairless rat check this out!
If anyone wants (give me comments!) I can do some posts about pet rats, what to feed, how to make toys, tips for care etc. If anyone has questions about having a pet rat hairless or furred, send them my way!

Now, for the serious part of the post. Yesterday, I went into a little shop, and saw a rack of swimsuits and was going to try some on. I have quite a few swimsuits, but I won't buy expensive ones, (like, more than $30 total) and I wear them a lot, as I live right on the lake, and my parents have a hot tub. I have a problem with swim suits though, which is I have to buy a medium bottom piece, and a large or extra large top, partly because I'm a 32DD or 34D depending on brand, and partly because I'm a little modest, and just want some extra coverage. 
Anyways, shopping for swim suits is often disastrous for me, for a pile of reasons. 
First, because when top and bottoms are sold together, I am almost guaranteed to not fit into it properly. 
Second, because when I get my clothes off in the change room, I always hate what I'm seeing.
Yesterday, I tried on a white suit. Which was awful, and looked like granny panties on the bottom, and pornesque on top. Nipples poking through and everything! 
But the really important moment for me was that I was able to look at this ridiculous suit, and think "wow, this suit was not made very well" rather than 'wow, look at how shitty I look in this suit, I look terrible, I will never be able to wear any suit and look good' 
For me, this is a breakthrough. 

Body Dramaticisms

So you may remember, yesterday I weighed in and was pleasantly surprised. Naturally though, all good things come to an end, so yesterday afternoon I got my period. I'm not pregnant yay! Which immediately put on 2lbs in water retention, as I always puff up like a small blimp.

Well...so much for that. 


I'm super excited to start my new job next week, and supposed to hopefully be going bra shopping with a friend I haven't seen in ages later this afternoon, because I need a strapless for my cousins wedding later this summer. Which is happening at my parents farm, which is SUPER exciting stuff.
I'm starting to think I need to do something with my hair...no idea what though. It's been just long and blonde for ever.  
On another note, if anyone is ever looking for a low maintenance/cost pet that is easy to have in small places and move around with you, rats are awesome. This has nothing to do with what my blog is about but I got a rat a couple of months ago because I am not allowed to bring my cat to my house at school cause one of my housemates is 'allergic'. Which is crap, because my kitty and rat get along fine.  So I got a hairless rat. I thought she'd be kind of boring, but better than nothing type pet, but she's really great! I definitely underestimated how friendly they are. RATS DA BEST. 
Also, I'd like to give a special little shout out to my first follower and first comment! Yay for ithrowmytoysaround0086! This is so great, I actually have someone reading my blog :D
I don't have a whole lot more to add, sorry this post has been so rambly
Until next time,
stay skinny

What?!

Yesterday was a day full of drama. And food.
The boyfriend and I had a massive blow up, which was probably good, things are now better I guess. I've been a bit non existent in the relationship lately, from my perspective, but also from the way he behaves. We've been together for two years, and I still keep saying I don't know if I feel this is long term. By a lot of standards I guess this is already long term. Anyways, moving on.

The night before last I had a massive binge. Of everything, leftovers, yogurt, hot dogs, cereal. What. The. Fuck. Nasty. and then I purged some/most of it...great.
Yesterday I ate a lot! Like, a pancake a smoothie, a hamburger, and potato.
Yet, today I have arrived at that 163...I don't get it either. 
I don't know if I can make my 155 goal by next Tuesday, but maybe...8 pounds in 8 days? Better get the fucking bike going girl.